Updated: Jul 1, 2020
I'm sure the title resonates with us all. We've been told so much about ourselves, and most of it was simply not true. But the words linger in our minds, in our hearts, causing us to question. Did I say that? Did I mean that? No, that's not what I meant? Did I really say that? How many times did those questions replay in your mind? For me, it was constant.
Each day as these questions pressed, I began to doubt myself a little more. I had always thought of myself as "good" and in fact I had been known as the "good girl" growing up, so what changed? Was it me? Am I over-demanding and never satisfied? I never saw myself that way but then why can I never make him happy? What's wrong with me? The web of lies had formed and continued to ensnare me in a cocoon of self-doubt.
My people pleasing tendencies were at their peak. It was all about making him happy, his family happy, what he wanted, what did they want? I tried over and over and yet it was never enough. I was always wrong.
My heart could take no more, so I closed it off. Laughing was expressed at a minimum. The smiling continued but not like it used to be. You see, I had been known for my smile. I was always happy, very Polly-Anna, growing up. But now, the edges of my lips will extend upward but the eyes do not follow. The eyes are hollow, they are sad. I must smile to encourage him but my heart is gone.
Everything I do is about him. It wasn't even until recently that I discovered that I have needs/wants. What? How could I have missed that? Oh, I remember the lie: it was selfish to think of myself. Of course, my misinterpretation of the Bible had also helped this fallacy grow. I'm so embarrassed now, that I had taken scripture out of context instead of listening to the heart of the Word; instead of recognizing Jesus' love for the oppressed. I guess that's why I missed it, I did not consider myself oppressed. I just thought something was terribly wrong with me.